Description from Amazon.com:
The definitive handbook on Domination and Submission (D/s) relationships and the BDSM lifestyle. A must-read for anyone considering or curious about non-traditional relationships within a fetish culture context. Funny, insightful, educational, and inspiring.
Author Michael Makai goes in-depth on Dominants, submissives, switches, primals, and their relationship dynamics. Learn about BDSM activities, bondage, toys, groups, protocols, and safety. This book even dares to go where others fear to tread: Primal relationships, online BDSM relationships, the Gorean subculture, first meetings, religion vs. kink, and the many ways it can all go wrong.
You'll love Michael Makai's irreverent and humorous treatment of this subject as he gives you the benefit of his 35+ years of experience in the D/s and BDSM lifestyles.
Amazon lists this title as being available in paperback and Kindle format. I read it on my Kindle.
- How kinky?
Pretty much. He covers a very wide gamut of practices, from physical to psychological. "Kinky" isn't up to your definition in this book. No matter what your definition of kinky, it's probably here.
- How sexy?
Well, it is a reference book, so it doesn't necessarily have to be sexy. But Makai includes a lot of his own anecdotes, and some of those get pretty hot. (Then again, at least one of his stories paints himself in a bad light, and then there's the ridiculous and unnecessary Spaghetti Story ... they're not all sexy!)
- How informative?
Very. there is a lot of very good info in here. A lot. It's lovely and long, which so many books trying to be 'guides to kink' just aren't. There are so many subjects he leaves out, however - politics, for example, and an outline of the law in any country besides the US. It's not comprehensive.
- How engaging?
Mildly so. Some chapters I was sorely tempted to skip, but I never do when I'm reviewing. Other chapters, I didn't want to put down. So it lies somewhere in the middle between 'riveting' and 'shut up now please'. Previously not-much-written-about topics Makai covers in detail include: Gorean lifestyle, toys such as chastity belts, play such as Primal play, identities such as Lesser Gods, and philosophical topics such as relating your kink to your religious beliefs.
- How well executed?
Aha. Well. Makai writes well, and his writing itself can be quite engaging, but he makes an attempt at writing a "definitive guide" (his words) and, IMO, fails quite badly. It's difficult to claim that it is poorly executed - it just doesn't live up to the goal that the author was clearly trying to reach.
- Negatives?
Oh, boy. I just truly dislike the egotism that is practiced within the writing. He claims to be so experienced and knowledgable; claims to be writing a definitive guide; claims to be writing from an objective perspective, and fails sadly. He even included little additions at the end of each chapter, called "My Two Cents On (Subject)", whereas arguably, the entire chapter is his own opinion of said subject. He writes from one perspective only - not a problem if your book is intended as "Michael Makai's Book of Dominance and submission", but a serious issue when touted as "The BDSM Relationship Handbook: The definitive guide" etc. Plus, I have always been a firm believer in that old red-flag: "Rule of thumb: If you need to say you’re a master, you probably aren’t a
master. Be wary of any top who brags excessively about his
“experience” and “scene cred.”"
Makai gives broad-brush descriptions of almost any toy you can imagine, for example, but doesn't mention key safety information. He talks about wax play, and mentions beeswax candles, but doesn't seem to be aware that most wax play practitioners caution us never to use beeswax candles as their melting point of about 63°C will burn skin, not just feel hot (which is the desired sensation in wax play). An example of this is in the Toys chapter, where he tells us he is a fan of Saran Wrap as a BDSM toy, but that we should "take proper precautions." That's it. That's as far as he goes on the subject of Saran Wrap, arguably an incredibly dangerous toy when used improperly. He does not mention that it should never, ever cover the mouth and nose, that it should never be taped on without safety measures taken, and that the mummified person should never be left unattended. I agree, he does tell us "to take proper precautions", but doesn't go into detail about what those precautions might be. He also mentions Waterpiks, telling us joyfully that they are lots of fun for sensation play, "Or, if you’re an adventurous and creative kinkster, for your nipples, clit, cock and anus.
" And then promptly neglects to even mention that they should never, ever be directed
into the vagina or anus for safety reasons. I would have thought that would be considered a necessary point to add.
Now, this may seem nitpicky to those who say, 'But it's just common sense!' or, 'But it's not his job to explain safety precautions', or even just, 'He doesn't have to go into safety as a subject - it's not a safety book'. To those people, I reply: Common sense is not that common, we all know that; he does state that this is a "definitive guide", so one would presume (unwisely) that he covers all basic aspects of the subjects he writes about; and thirdly, he does expound lengthily upon the safety of some other types of play, dedicating multiple pages to safety during cell popping, and when learning to use bullwhips (should those even be included in a beginner's book?), and mentioning several times that breast play can cause fibroids: "Fibroids are not inherently dangerous to a woman’s health, but they can result in false positives in mammograms and may affect the aesthetic appearance of the breasts.
" Makai, Michael (2013-09-20). Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (p. 235). . Kindle Edition. Going into that sort of detail regarding a situation that isn't dangerous (but affects the look of your titties!), one would expect he would expand thoroughly on ensuring your bottom's ability to breathe.
Makai also doesn't even touch on the subject of negotiating or discussing possible psychological side effects of physical play, such as past trauma triggers etc. Knowing that the book is designed partially to cater to newbies, who may not be aware that such pre-discussion is necessary, I feel this presents an ethical conundrum.
Side note: He does give over almost an entire, quite lengthy, chapter to safety of person and information when meeting people online. While it was tedious to read (because I agreed with him), I cannot bring myself to condemn such excruciatingly detailed chapters. Safety online, and especially when meeting someone IRL, can never be taken too seriously.
Other areas that irritated me were supposedly final words on subjects which are clearly open to argument and discussion: "In fact, there is no shortage of people who typically react to the merest mention of Gor almost viscerally, with much hostility and resentment. What causes them to respond so negatively to anyone or anything seemingly connected to the Gorean way? The answer lies in two little words: the internet
." Makai, Michael (2013-09-20). Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook (p. 150). . Kindle Edition. He goes on to explain that the only reason we hate Goreans so much is obviously because of the internet. Well, personally, I for one react slightly negatively towards the idea of the Gorean phenomenon due to the fact that I once narrowly escaped a situation with a man who
truly, no-joking believed in the planet Gor, and followed the dictates of the Gorean philosophy to the point of almost fanatical obsession - in his private and public life. He did not temper his beliefs to anyone, subs or co-workers alike, and treated those who were not Gorean with an attitude of contempt and derision. I am by no means trying to imply that all, or most, or even that many, Goreans are like this. I am just pointing out that Makai has a narrow world-view and writing style that does not appear to be unduly influenced by opinions other than his own. As I said - he tends to comes across as extraordinarily egotistical (he has an entire appendix dedicated to quoting himself).
There were one or two other irritations within this book, such as the fact that the chapter on 'First Meetings' is entirely, without exception, devoted to meeting someone for the first time in real life
after having an online relationship first. I'm not saying this is uncommon, but some info on how to meet like-minded people in the lifestyle without having met them on the net would have been a good thing to include. Meeting partners, and especially having online relationships, simply isn't as prevalent as Makai would have you believe (IMO). If a newbie were to pick up this book, and go only by the info within its pages, they may get the impression that meeting partners and beginning relationships online - even having entire relationships conducted online, from first contact to falling in love to arranging shared residences - is the norm. I do not personally believe this to be the case. (Common, yes; desirable, arguably not; more common than having relationships in real life, I seriously doubt it.) In fact, Makai doesn't touch on how to begin a real life relationship (as in, without the use of the internet)
at all. This truly worries me.
Some, though few, value judgments are made. One that comes to mind is the instance in which Makai equates promiscuity with (the debatably existent condition) sex addiction. This is just likely to alienate readers who hold the increasingly popular view (famously espoused by the book The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt) that promiscuity is powerful and empowering, and overwhelmingly a good thing, something to be proud of. Get with the times, Makai!
A minor but important point I would also like to make is this: the editing could have been much better. This is evidenced by several errors, and instances of poor writing. Firstly, factual errors, such as when Makai tells us that the word 'polyamory' comes from the Latin roots
poly and
amor - in reality, the root
poly is of Greek origin. There are spelling errors, such as the chapter in which he consistently misspells "reigns" - in terms of horse tack, it is always spelled "reins". Then there is the the fact that Makai - utterly unnecessarily - italicises at
least one word per
sentence throughout the
entire book (unbelievably
irritating to
read). He also commits some irritating grammatical errors, e.g. "hypothetically scenario", "a kajirae" (which is the plural form of kajira), and "that big of a deal". All things that just point to bad editing.
Also note: He defines some things in a way that not everyone will agree with, but presents them as though they are accepted definitions. Some examples: "BDSM is what you do, D/s is something you are ..." (a debatable definition), and "A BDSM scene is simply any BDSM activity that is done in front of an audience. A scene should be considered a performance ..." If you are one of those who uses the word 'scene' to mean 'any interaction or play between two kinksters', this may annoy you. YMMV.
- Overall reaction
This is a useful book, with many wonderful additions. It is, to date, the only guide-style book I have encountered with an in-depth view of the Gorean lifestyle - a fantastic introduction to those who have heard the term, not understood it, but don't necessarily want to have to go read all 32 Gor novels, or purchase a dedicated Guide To Gor-type volume. It covers aspects of kink that I would consider essential, such as applicable laws (though only mentions the US), and safety when meeting online, and gives some marvellous pointers and great tips on keeping ourselves and our information safe if we are attacked, threatened or otherwise victimised. Religion and kink is covered extensively, which is refreshing to those who have read so many books which either don't address the philosophy of kink, or do so poorly and exclusionistically. It even covers topics that I have never even heard of, such as Primals, and Lesser God Doms - regardless of your personal beliefs on such subjects, it does give a great overview of these topics and so many more.
Overall, my main bone to pick with this book is the very fact that it
calls itself "definitive", without being even close to it. I keep coming back to that word, "definitive", because it calls out to newbies and
frenzied persons, promising to cover every possible base, and start their kinky education with a heavy be-all-end-all tome. This book does not deliver that specifically. It is not an encyclopaedic work, with indicators to further research, nor does it touch on every subject in the kink world, as it would be almost impossible to do so within one volume. It does not point out that further investigation of your chosen kinks may be desirable or necessary, and it does not indicate that perhaps Michael Makai isn't the Extreme Ultimate Master of All Things Cell Popping and Branding, so perhaps you shouldn't try it at home using only his three-page description of such practices (in which he includes zero information about first aid).
I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone interested in a broad, inclusive view of many specific topics in the kink lifestyle. I would not tell them it is a definitive guide. At the same time, I would also recommend extensive further research on procedures and precautions involved in their particular kink, and especially first-aid and aftercare, which Makai does not even begin to cover. The only reason I have for marking it down in the rating is the, in my own opinion, extremely misleading synopsis and description of it as being "definitive". Not only is it irritatingly incorrect use of English, it can also be downright dangerous to those less gifted with "everyday" common sense. My advice: use your brain, and research your interests thoroughly.
Overall ... four cocks.
Buy this book if:
- It is not the only book you buy on kink. More information than this is needed to play safely.
- You are starting out, have heard some terms, wonder what they mean, and need a general overview of some rarely touched-on topics.
- You have been in the scene for a while, and want to know a bit more about topics you haven't learned about before.
- You like learning new things, and it doesn't bother you that all the info in the world isn't contained in one volume - only the basics are discussed.
- You aren't bothered by irritations such as inaccuracies, constant italicised emphasis, and a supremely subjective viewpoint - if you can put it all aside and enjoy the book anyway.
